My Respects to David Candler
David Candler, the mere utter of the name would crackle my skin with annoyance, a rich, spoiled, obnoxious and pampered boy – to mainly polite, my rival. His birthday party fell neatly on the Moon Cake Festival, and also on a Sunday. I was not invited, but not exactly gate-crashing either. He, too, had showed up on my last New Year Party. I, a boy of thirteen, would definitely have had better things to do than show up at his birthday party. I did not want to spoil the fun for the birthday boy’s party, but I could not help being a thorn in his foot. So I found myself walking towards a house, a bungalow, to be exact.
It was a lavish party, I admit. Fluorescent balloons had lined up with ribbons, banners, confetti and all sorts of decorations adorned the expensive furniture. Many classmates were invited, if not the whole class. I saw David in a corner with his girlfriend. David was, in my eyes, a hypocrite. As usual, he was trying to impress her. When I approached them, David was giving her a bracelet. I chose the exact moment to butt in “Why, David,” I had said in mock surprise. “I really do believe there is a gentleman behind those pimples!” He turned a deep shade of pink, and muttered furiously, then stalked off.
The party had started. Rock music was being played, and I saw many of my classmates helping themselves to the food. Fruit punch, soft drinks, juice, hot marshmallows, chocolate éclairs and other food which I had no names for laid on the table. However, it was the cake that dominated the spread. It was a Black Forest cake, only piled with three times the cream, fudge and cocoa powder. It was also three times the size, and naturally, three times the flavor. I opened a can of Root Beer and had a good chat with my buddies.
Then came a buzzing sound. We all look up and saw the lights flickering. Theer was a scarlet glow and a blackout claimed the scene. In the midst of confusion and panic, I felt about the walls and took refuge in a corner. Several people groped in their bags. They produced a lantern, which they had intended to use for the Festival.
Slowly, one by one, the multi-colored lanterns were lit in the room. It was a beautiful sight, just like fairy lights dancing in a deathly silent night. The lantern swayed in the room, and I could see much clearer now. I shot David a grin, who did not return it. Two girls started chatting, and soon, the whole living room was filled with dancing and laughter. I, rather enjoying the party myself, got up and elbowed David. We were rivals, yes, but clearly not mortal enemies, though sometimes we really despised each other.
After what seemed an eternity, the lights finally flicked back on. About time, I had thought to myself. Many helped themselves to the last of the feast, left their birthday presents in a heap and went off. I, too, got up and walked towards the door. I took a parcel from my pocket and handed it to David, who opened it immediately. “That is a very fanciful dress”, I had said to David’s mother, my voice dripping with honeyed flattery. When she had seen my present, which was an old, breaking mirror, she said uncertainly “that’s a very…thoughtful gift.”
“Could have been more thoughtful,” David sulked. My eyes glinted and my taut smile stretched perhaps a centimeter.
“Of course,” I had said, every syllable mocking him, whether he knew it or not. “Thinking is my responsibility, for I am the one who is giving the present, not yours”
With that, I walked off outside, waving at him while facing him backwards. Whether he had figured out if I had insulted him or not, I never found out.
2006年9月25日
女儿11岁时写的作文
女儿11岁时的作文。故事里“我”是一个13岁的男孩。
小时候其他作业都是下午就写完了，但一碰到作文，就得磨唧到晚上。不是俺完全写不出，俺对自己要求高不是？一般写个小故事啥的，写得不好也能写一点，代笔在10％－30％。但有一次老师愣是让俺们写论说文，俺只好全靠眼泪了，那次代笔在90％。
俺的代笔团队还是很庞大的，俺家那时七口人，除了奶奶，都是可以成俺代笔的。 后来三年级的时候，突然来了一次全市统考。我吓坏了，没有了代笔怎么办呐？战战兢兢的去考了，只考语文和算术，还好作文只占很少的分数（10～15分？），要我们写一篇好人好事。我松了一口气，挤了一百来字出来。最后俺被老师大大地表扬了一番，因为给俺学校长脸啊，就一标点什么的待商榷，扣了半分。
随着信心增强，俺的代笔比例逐步下降，团队规模也减少到俺爹和俺大姊两人。记得最后一次大姊代笔是俺上初一的时候，俺抄她的大批判稿抄得挺爽的。她写得大批判稿水平高啊，极有层次，所向披靡，在俺眼里有“九评”的气势。
故事的高潮发生在大学之后。 大学四年级，大家都在忙着考研。一天团支书召集开会，说我们要去争先进班集体，有一百多元奖金可拿。鱼与熊掌如何兼得呢？俺班全是聪明人，决定各小头目分头准备素材数据（学习委员提供非及格率任何下降，体育委员提供运动会得了几块奖牌等等），然后交给我写成报告。俺回家就把这个任务交给了俺爹。先唱苦肉记说自己忙得多惨，然后表示以后会帮他。 最后当然是俺爹帮俺班赢了一百多大毛。
俺是很讲信用的，记着欠俺爹一篇文章。 大学毕业不太久后的一天，回报俺爹的机会来了。俺爹说第二天有老山英雄团要来俺院子做报告，俺爹要准备个开场讲话。俺自告奋勇，“讲话稿我来写吧？” 我找来几张报纸和杂志借鉴了一下，洋洋洒洒写了一大篇。俺爹看看还行，第二天就照着俺的稿讲话了。他下班回来告诉我，有人纳闷说没想到“老梅”还会用这么多新名词。
现在时髦代笔，俺讲一个代笔故事。